Marriage Counseling - Advantages and Disadvantages

No matter how hard a couple tries, it is tough to work problems when you have two people with two different perspectives. Sometimes the partners can't even agree on what the issue is, much less how to resolve it. A marriage counselor can often help mend the marriage if each is willing to put in the effort.

Picking the Person

Finding a skilled counselor is a huge factor in whether the sessions are actually going to help. Credentials and recommendations from prior clients can help provide the couple ideas for their selection. Most frequently, however, choosing a good counselor comes down to personal "chemistry." That is, who do we work well with?

Counseling works best when both partners are comfortable. It doesn't matter how many diplomas or other accolades are on the wall - if either spouse doesn't mesh well with the counselor, the sessions will very unlikely be successful. So couples need to locate a counselor who also can work within their personal, cultural and religious beliefs.

The Upside

Most frequently, a good counselor works as a mediator between the two conflicting parties. It is his/her job to assure that both sides get their say. The counselor is also responsible for keeping the sessions productive - and civil. Advice is offered, as well as exercises to the couple to help work through and resolve their problems.

Marriage counseling can work well because each partner has a chance to vent in a safe environment. They present their concerns, fears and sore points without censure or judgment. A trained counselor can gently push or prod the couple past the obvious complaints and into their deeper, underlying feelings.

The Downside

On the negative side, some couples come to therapy with an expectation that the counselor will simply "fix" them, leading to more passive conversations. They don't understand that the counselor is more of a guide, so each partner must invest him/herself wholeheartedly into the sessions if there is realistic hope for success.

Let's fact it, many marriages are doomed before the couple ever walks into the office. Marriage counseling is often viewed as a "Hail Mary" play - that is, a last ditch effort before the final decision of divorce. Quite frequently, one spouse has already decided to file for divorce before ever passing through the counselor's door.

Clearly, that mindset is counter-productive to therapy sessions. Spouses who are not committed to the process will resist almost any suggestions or advice that the counselor gives. They may even resent being present in the sessions. Or - perhaps worse - one mate will feign interest and commitment while in the presence of the counselor, and then revert to uncooperative upon returning home.

Counseling can only work if both partners are committed to the process and marriage healing - it takes a lot of hard work to save a marriage. Each partner needs to invest the time and effort to make the sessions productive, while the counselor balances the personalities and needs of the couple.