How to Save Your Relationship - Even If You're No Longer Together

Any time your love relationships shatter, it is preceded by very clear warning signals - whether you paid attention or not. As a matter of fact, from a subconscious level, avoiding these signals was more important to you than staying together - no matter how off that may sound to you right now.

But just because your relationship has ended (or is about to end) does not mean that it cannot be mended. That's where this article comes in. Let's get started by running over some crucial points you need to know about right now:

Give your partner space

If you're like most people, you are probably dying to pick up the phone and call him/her right now. Doing so is perfectly fine if you want this split to be permanent. However, if you want your partner back, don't do it - do not call! There is a reason why the relationship ended, and for now, you need to back off and respect that.

Don't gossip about your partner

No matter how tempting it may be to pour your heart out to your friends about the shortcomings of your ex (to make yourself feel better about the split), please resist the temptation. Unless, again, you want the break up to be permanent. Right now, you're in a fragile emotional state, and whatever you share with others carries a lot of energy. Besides, it's a small world, and word may get around to your ex.

Enjoy alone-time

Your ex isn't the only one who needs space right now - you do as well. That does not have to be a bad thing. Just know that you two are going to be back together again soon, and be relaxed and easy about it. Hang out with your friends/family and enjoy yourself. Be the person your ex fell in love with when you first met - say goodbye to the person you were when you two split up. To do that, it will help to:

Identify the symptoms

As you relax and let go, trusting that you will once again be together, insights will start coming to you. Pay close attention to those insights. See if you can identify the main issue behind the break up. Maybe someone cheated, maybe you argued too much, perhaps you didn't give your partner enough space, or vice versa, or just about anything else. Your job is to relax and be yourself, and your mind will do the rest.

Oh, and remember - it's NEVER them, it's always you. No matter how much something seems like your partner's fault, the only way you're going to save the relationship is by finding responsibility in yourself.

Separation And Divorce - Pros And Cons

Making a decision to separate or divorce has a major impact on your life, whether the decision is mutual or not. The ritual of marriage is a significant milestone in life and to undo or reverse this is similarly significant.

In a time of relationship crisis, separation and divorce might seem the only solution. Having said that, it is important to keep the whole picture, including all the different people affected, in mind.

Advantages

There are always pro and cons with every decision. Here are some of the advantages of separating:

Being or becoming happier: Living in a relationship that has passed its due date can significantly influence your state. It may be for the best to live apart and as a consequence you might feel happier and livelier again.

Finding a more suitable partner: When you met your current spouse they might have been the right person to develop a relationship with and eventually marry, however this might no longer be the case. We all change and time moves on - and so do people. Divorce can allow you to spend the rest of your life, or your next life cycle, with someone more suited to who you are now.

Shared child-care: If you have agreed shared custody you will have 'children-free time' which allows you to take weekends away or nights out with adult friends.

Time alone: You will have significantly more time alone, which can be both an advantage and a disadvantage.

Living more authentically: If you have outgrown your relationship you might be more true to your current authentic self by deciding to go your own way and split.

Disadvantages:

Thinking about a divorce usually gets you easily thinking about the advantages of separation. It is important to also include the disadvantages to make an informed decision.

Reduced/increased time with children: You will no longer have your children with you the whole time or you might have your children at all times, with little or no support of your partner. If you have shared custody, you will see them regularly but it will never be as before, when you woke up with them in the house every day.

Having to make new friends: As a couple you will have shared friends, other couples and other families with children. Often after a divorce, some or even many of those friends will be more friends of either you or your former partner. One of the challenges will specifically be to make new single friends for the times you want to go out without your children.

Being alone: Many of my clients find it challenging to spend so much time alone, which they are no longer used to. Some time alone might be desirable but not having the choice over how much is a different story.

Financial strains: A divorce itself will have significant financial impacts, as well as living alone or having to pay for child-care and / or support.

What is your personal story?

There will be more advantages and disadvantages as part of your individual situation. Sit down and make a list of what they are for you - this will help you through this period.

Whatever the reasons are, think about the advantages and disadvantages carefully and don't rush a decision. It may be advisable to try mediation or couples counseling as part of your separation or to come to a joint decision and to support each other in dealing with this life transition.